Welcome to Episode #251 of the Own Your Best Life Podcast.

Sometimes we are so busy with our work lives that when we come home, we feel like we have stepped into uncharted territory. We get frustrated wondering why dinner still needs to be made, or whether the kids did their chores and homework. We see them playing and our partners relaxing, and we start railing silently inside, wondering why it is so easy for them to relax when there is still so much to be done. Instead of your sharpest, most present self, you feel like an irritated stranger in your own home.

This is a common feeling for achievers, so today we are going to name what actually drives that frustration, and I am going to give you a simple system to put down the mental load and come home as your best self instead of your most depleted one.

I remember when I took my first “real person” job, the one where I went home at night instead of traveling for work every week, right after I had my first daughter. I would commute in each morning, take the elevator up to the offices, and ride it back down each night. One evening as I was leaving, a woman beside me said, “I’m now heading to my second job.” I was confused. I gave her a quizzical look and cocked my head to the side, and she said, “I’m going home to the family.”

That was the first time I thought about family life as a second job. And it led me to a question that changed how I come home: if I were interviewing candidates for the job at home, the job of being the partner, the parent, and the person I actually want to be, would I hire the version of me that walks through the door at the end of the day? Until I asked that question, I didn’t see how I was showing up as a choice. It felt like my family just got the leftover energy, because that was all I had. Now, when I catch myself answering no a few nights in a row, I know something has to change.

I have come to believe that our professional lives can actually develop us into better people. We are asked to be professional, to lead with integrity and compassion, to make good decisions, and to work for the benefit of others and not just ourselves. And showing up that way every day asks a lot of us. When I run psychometric tests and assessments, people often ask, “Do you want to know how I show up at home, or at work?” Which tells you everything. There is a difference. The reason is that when we work so hard to show up intentionally at work, we tend to relax at home and show up less intentionally there.

It makes sense, and it is normal, and it also explains why the results you get at home can be so different from the ones you get at work. There is a refrain I hear all the time about work versus life, and underneath it is one question: can I have a good home life and a good professional life at the same time? Because it often feels like when one is going well, the other is slipping. It is the tradeoff we believe we have to make in order to succeed. It is why we feel a loss of identity when we lose a job, or when the kids no longer need minding at home.

When I had kids and realized I would carry the same patterns into any job, I understood that the answer was not more time with my kids. It was more intention. I did not need to work less. I needed to stop leaking my best self to work and coming home empty. So I stopped being two different people and built a simple system to hold both worlds. I call it showing up as one self, and it comes down to four moves. Each one is really an answer to that interview question: would I hire myself for the job at home?

The first move is one system that holds both worlds. I needed a single way to plan that could carry work and home together. Enough planning to see ahead, but not so much that I spent all my time in the future instead of handling what was in front of me. If we hold regular strategy sessions and one-on-ones at work, we can hold them at home too. The candidate I would hire has a real plan for home, not just a to-do list she resents.

The second move is to bring your best self across. Find the strongest version of you in one world and carry it into the other. If I was outspoken at home, I could be outspoken at work, and the reverse. If I could make quick, accurate decisions at work, I could make them at home. Instead of resenting the energy it took to be intentional, I focused on why it was worth it. The person I would hire does not leave her best traits at the office.

The third move is to empty your head. Get every open loop out of your brain and into a place you trust. Personal errands and plans need a home as much as work errands and plans do. I use a digital calendar and a physical one. The version of me I would hire is not carrying forty open tabs in her mind while she tries to be present at dinner.

The fourth move is to be human in both places. This is where you release perfectionism and the feeling that it is never quite enough. You can never get everything done perfectly, and there is no moment when you finally arrive. The biggest frustration usually comes from the exhaustion you carry home. You never let yourself feel that you have done enough, or that you are enough, so you add more to the list, for yourself and for everyone around you, and it is exhausting. It seems to work, because things keep getting done, until one day something comes crashing down and you realize you have worked this hard for this long and it still feels like it is never enough. And it will not feel like enough until you decide that you are. The person I would hire for the job at home is allowed to be human. So are you.

Your one thing this week is that question, answered truthfully. If I were to interview myself for the job at home, would I choose me? If so, why? If not, what would I change? Then, the next time you move from work to home, check in with that answer like a north star. Write down all the open loops, the decisions still to be made and the things still to be done, and let them go until tomorrow. Making space to love the chaos of my home life is one of the best decisions I have ever made, and it made me better at work too.

If you’re ready to release the stress and anxiety of your work life while still having both a family and a career, let’s talk. Go to www.mayempson.com/contact right now, fill out the quick form, and book a complimentary strategy call with me. We’ll build your plan to reduce your mental load and find greater career fulfillment together.

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You can learn more or start a conversation at www.mayempson.com/contact.

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